Curbs have feelings too...

Ok, so picture this...

Its 8am (what a miserable time of day anyway), I closed the bar last night (I'm the bartender) so very little sleep, and as I'm getting ready to park the car at the dentist so the boy can have his head drilled (what 19yo boy needs more holes in his head anyway?).  The boy tells me not to hit anything.  Well duh?  Isn't that the point of driving and parking, not hitting anything?  But as usual I get too close to the curb stop and have to scrape the front of the car backing it up a bit.  So now I'm in trouble with the boy for "hitting the curb, because curb's have feelings too, you know".

WTF?  When did curbs get feelings?  Does that mean parking stripes have feelings too?  Why wasn't I informed of this?  Do I have to be politically correct when parking my car now so I don't offend the stripes and curbs?  Is there going to be parking police that handle the pc issues only?  Parking enforcement officers have enough on their plates to worry about ticketing for hurting a curbs feelings.

What about the assholes who take up two spots when parking their truck because they can't figure out how to fit it in.  Ok folks, if you can't fit it in and need two spots, either don't drive or get a smaller vehicle that you can handle.

Imagine watching this scene in the local grocery store.
Parking PC Enforcement:  "I'm sorry ma'am, but you need to adjust your car as you've hurt the curbs feelings"
Shopper:  "WTH?  Feelings?  When did curbs get damn feelings?"
PE:  "They've always had feelings.  We are just a more enlightened society and now recognize that.  So please move the vehicle a bit."
Shopper:  "Why?  My feelings are now hurt by you asking me to adjust my truck/car for some stupid inanimate piece of concrete.  So no, not gonna do it."
PE:  "I'm not going to ask, you need to move this now."
Shopper:  "No."
PE:  "If you don't move it, you will be subject to either a fine or arrest."
Shopper:  "Whatever.  I have to get milk and stuff for dinner or I will have teenagers to deal with that are much scarier than you."
PE:  (as the handcuffs come out) "You are now under arrest for violating, the current parking code number that is to be named, you have the right to remain silent..."
Shopper:  "WTF?  I'm going shopping.  Now get the hell out of my way, and move the Segway or I'll tip it over."

See, you might as well just start building the jails now, with the special "curb offender" wing.  As you know parking violators are the most violent and dangerous out there.  Let them try to stop a tiny young lady in a big ass truck how to park.  I want to see that.

But let me buy my popcorn and Pepsi first.

P.S. And by tiny young lady, I mean Shortie.  As she wants a really big truck someday.  I'm parking the Segway in the garage when she gets one.